Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
