Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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