he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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