Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
