Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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