theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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