If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
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