i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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