I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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