I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
