Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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