I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
