I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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