alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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