I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
