Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
not ubering you a puppy
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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