I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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