My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
