the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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