Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
