I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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