I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
