Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
