So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize