so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
