If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
