first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
