i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
her facebook's as public as her vagina
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
