i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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