mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
