The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize