I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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