Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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