Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize