Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
