The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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