why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have already put on my inside pants.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
