Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize