hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
