you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
