would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
