i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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