Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize