so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
