Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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