You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
