I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I met the friendliest cop last night
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
