after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
