Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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