i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
