mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
