I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
