Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
