Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
