i need an iv and a liver transplant
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
